Ride it out…

The worst thing about Bipolar Disorder for me sometimes is learning to ride it out. There are times when I am very driven. I go to the gym and work out for hours.  Or I run for miles and miles because my body is on full blown productivity mode. When I worked PRN I wanted to be there everyday.  I clean and get things done to a T.  I feel amazing and positive. Like I will be in that state of body and mind forever. I push and push because I want that feeling to last. I convince myself it will as long as I continue doing what I’m doing. But that energy that I have is crazy energy it has a mind of its own. When I say crazy I mean I’m like the Energizer bunny.  I keep going and going. I am on top of the world. I forget that I have this Disorder and think I’ve conquered it. Forbid anyone tell me about their problems in this state of mind because I have all the answers and I feel their emotions. So I go on “I will fix it mode”, And I get fixated on that and even lose friends because of it. It’s a double-edged sword this illness.  Then, BAM out of nowhere I am depleted. I can’t even pull myself out of the bed or shower sometimes (I know it’s gross but you aren’t in my shoes). I feel like my head weighs 100 lbs and I’m forcing it to snap out of it but it won’t. I used to fight it with all my might because depression sucks. And I want to feel good and euphoric all the time! And sometimes depression is not always a frame of mind it’s just your body shutting down on burnout mode. And you  feel like everybody has a life but you. You can’t show up for work because you feel like BLAH. Then your self-confidence that you just had becomes like mush. I guess you can tell that by some of what I write. But you know this illness is like life I am continually trying to figure it out and find myself and what works. And I want to have a good quality of life and love my family the best I can. I want to be there for the friends I haven’t lost but the ones that stayed because they get me. Anyway…my thoughts for the day. Everyday my illness becomes less of a monster for me because I am learning to surf. By that I mean ride its waves and I feel pretty good about how far I’ve come. It’s a lifelong thing and I’m accepting that. Every lesson I learn brings more balance to my life…And a big thank you to my husband who holds my hand (literally) to help pull me through. I’m thankful for the family I have that does understand me. And my kids who help me laugh a lot.

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