Fear…

photo of a boy near leaves
Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

So, I want to share today about fear and how it really messes with me. I don’t know why fear is so deeply rooted in me, but I HATE it!! All I can think of that has just left fear sitting and resonating in my soul is an incident that happened to me as a teenager. The reason I know the fear is in there is because it has triggers. Something simple can happen and it jars some memories. Like this….I was a very troubled soul while I was going through those trying years of puberty. My parents had got a divorce and I felt separated from both of them emotionally and sometimes physically. We had moved from the only home I knew and was raised in. I had started struggling with very low self-esteem and was going through viscous puberty at that time. I had also started drinking and experimenting with drugs which chipped away at my self-worth, too. My oldest brother was killed in a tragic car wreck, too. That was very confusing and abrupt leaving me even more in shambles. I didn’t even know how to have a normal teenage life. I remember watching other kids do things that were healthy and I would think to myself what is wrong with me that I can’t have a life like them?!? That made me crawl into myself and be even more insecure. Looking back it is sad the amazing potential I had that I wasn’t plugged into. I was athletic, smart, a good writer, a poet and I realize now I even had a good heart even though I felt so down on myself.  I don’t say that to toot my own horn, but it is true. I was just a mess though. I am sure I had untreated depression and maybe even some ADHD because I was extremely hyper, impulsive, and made just downright crazy choices when I was or wasn’t under the influence of alcohol or maybe I was just untreated Bipolar then I don’t know, but my actions were NOT normal. I even had a guy tell me one time I needed to see a psychologist to explain why I behaved the way I did. When I look back it was almost as if my mind was running constantly because I was always on the move. I had to be doing something and most of it was reckless. Anyway, back to fear and what it tries to do to me. My parents were moving a lot and I would go back and forth between them. I got whatever I wanted from my dad because I would wait until he was tipsy/drunk to get his money. That was really the only interaction I had with him. My mom was just living life working and furthering her education, but we had no relationship really. If I was acting good we got along okay and I have good memories of that, but if I was acting bad or having normal teenage mood swings I felt I disrupted her life. Anyway, one night she and I got into a big fight and she kicked me out of her house. I think I was probably around 16. I walked across town with suitcase in hand crying. I didn’t realize then that I wasn’t in a safe neighborhood, but I see that now. I was very trusting with anyone so it doesn’t surprise me now how this happened. At some point while I was walking I accepted a ride from a stranger. He was an old man and I cannot believe I got in the car with him. I asked him to take me to my dad’s house which was about 25-30 minutes away. We were talking and he stopped to get gas from what I remember. That night is fuzzy in my mind except for one part. We were almost to my dad’s house a few miles away and this man pulls the car over and takes out a knife. As I relive this it just feels like a bad nightmare, but it actually happened. Providentially the place he pulled over at just happened to be in front of the elementary school I went to as a kid. A family friend/teacher practically lived at the school in a trailer. I don’t know how I managed to get out of that car, but I am pretty sure the door was jammed and I climbed backwards out of the window. During that process he cut me on my finger or hand I can’t remember, but I know I was bleeding when I got to that trailer. I was terrified and I ran for my life to get there. THANK GOD the friend/teacher was there!! I was crying uncontrollably and he called my mom. My mom was pissed and it wasn’t at the man that had done this it was at me. She told me I made it all up just to get attention (which she felt severe remorse for when she asked me a few years ago if it really happened) and I said YES IT DID WHY WOULD I MAKE THAT UP????!!! Not only that, now that I think about it she must have been so set on thinking I made it up that the cops were never called. So hopefully by now he is dead or in jail somewhere not still out there. After it happened she took me to my dad’s house and put me out…that night he was passed out so I was abandoned emotionally and physically and I was SCARED TOO DEATH!!! I took a car that was in his driveway and drove it to where my friends were just so I wouldn’t be alone and I would feel safe.

All of that story is leading up to this!! If you are reading this you know I am a runner. I love to run it helps me in so many ways. It gives me discipline and structure that I need in my life. It centers me like yoga or meditation. Anyway, I run a lot in my neighborhood and it is a nice area as far as I know. It’s peaceful to me and very quiet except for a guy that drives a Mustang and revs up his engine while driving by. Well, just in the past month there’s a man that has started “running”there and sometimes I will be running and it’s like he pops up out of nowhere. There are a lot of woods surrounding the area, too. I have started seeing him quite often and it has kind of started creeping me out. One day I was running and he was just standing on the side of the road so I just ran faster and kept going. I figure as long as I am right in front of a house or close enough to run to someone’s door I am okay. So, I have just continued to run. A neighbor across the street stopped me and my husband the other day as we were pulling out of the driveway and put SOLID FEAR in me. She said I needed to watch my back because that man had never ran until I started running. She said she was worried about me and I needed to stay off of the road that didn’t have many houses on it. SO, I automatically go into defense and FEAR mode. Since she has told me that my mind has gone back to that terrifying night as a teenager. Yesterday, I was running again and I took her advice to stay off of that road. As I was running, I made a U-turn and this man came out of nowhere. He was right in front of me so my heart starts beating like crazy. At that point he is only a few feet away so I get practically in someone’s yard and he runs past me. I am sure he knows I am scared of him now. Well, I was going to run back home, but I thought he would see where I live so I took a quick turn to fake him out and at some point after I passed him going the opposite direction he had turned around and was right behind me. Oh my gosh, I just happen to catch him out of the corner of my eye and I ran to someone’s door. They didn’t answer so I went down to the next door and a lady answered thankfully! I stayed there with her and she discreetly gave me a ride home. That man wears running attire and maybe I inspired him to start running who knows. Maybe he just wants to run, but my neighbor put so much fear in me towards him. I am just over it!! I don’t want to have fear, but at the same time I don’t want to be naive. I don’t want to judge this person based on what she told me, but I also don’t want to put myself in danger. So, after freaking out half of the day yesterday and thinking about what could happen and also worrying about the safety of my 16 year old beautiful daughter. I spent time in prayer this morning with my journal and I just decided I have to give this to God. Worrying can cause insomnia for sure and other health problems. It just takes everything out of me and keeps me in a state of panic.  I have to believe that I and my family are in His Hands just like I was those many years ago. I fought for my life that night and I just have to rest in the fact that I survived because God was with me. Fear will consume me if I let it and God doesn’t want that for me. This verse came to me this morning and even though I have decided for now I will be going to the track to run. It still doesn’t change this.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has NOT GIVEN us a Spirit of FEAR but of POWER, LOVE and SOUND MIND. 

As hard as it can be I have to KNOW and BELIEVE this!! 

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Fear…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s