To share or not to share…

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Sometimes I feel like I am oversharing, but I figure if this helps someone then I am going to share. I started a new job yesterday so I don’t know if that contributed to the nightmare that I experienced last night or not. It is hard to work with a mental disorder. I feel like sometimes we tend to just go into a situation and see it like it is. We have fresh eyes I guess. I can go into a place and immediately pick up on complacency. This has costed me jobs in the past because I just stand up for what I believe in. I think sometimes that I needed to do that because it made a difference. However, sometimes I find myself just telling my brain to let it go and don’t say anything. Like yesterday, I was at orientation and we were reading the “dress code policy.” After that, we took a break and I went to the lobby. As soon as I sat down I looked around I was watching some of the employees walk right by me that were violating that dress code. Stuff like that drives me crazy and I know it probably sounds petty and maybe even judgmental, but it irks me. Anyway, I didn’t say anything because sometimes I question myself. It is a fine line between holding someone accountable and is this my mental disorder messing with my mind right now making something out of nothing?? When I got home I was still thinking about it and talking myself out of saying anything. Some places just don’t like people that rock the boat and challenge them to be accountable. They would just as soon get rid of you than to deal with it especially if they find out you are Bipolar or something. Then, they have a way of turning things around on you and making you feel like you are the one with the problem. Anyhoo, I struggled with anxiety over it really bad last night. I don’t want to lose a job I just got you know, but it really doesn’t look good on them to not abide by what they are teaching new employees just sayin.

Also, to make matters worse with my anxiety my husband had to work 3rd shift last night. As a manager sometimes he has to surprise that shift to see why the employees aren’t doing their jobs. That caused more anxiety because I don’t like to be here at night by myself with just my daughter. Fast forward to around 10:00 p.m. I was totally exhausted because I ran 5 miles yesterday morning and sat through a 5 hour orientation. I dozed right off into a good sleep only to wake up in a full blown panic attack just what seemed like minutes later. I was gasping for air and it did not feel good AT ALL. After that, I was AWAKE…exhausted but awake. I also take medicine for sleep and if I wake up after it knocks me out it gives me very rapid heart palpitations. That definitely doesn’t go well with anxiety. So, I called my husband in tears wanting him to come home and thank God he didn’t. I wanted him to, but I didn’t really because I knew he had to stay there. His big hugging arms have helped me get through these things in the past, but he just talked me through it over the phone. I had so much anxiety it was SO EXHAUSTING!!! I thought I would die in my sleep of a heart attack if I slept. Before I even laid down I went through the house and checked all the windows to make sure they were locked, too. I am pretty sure that added to my misery. This is really embarrassing it really is. I hate that my brain gets so obnoxious over stuff. I hate it that my husband has to deal with me, too. He gets upset with me if I tell him that, but it’s hard. I feel like such a burden and so selfish. While he was attempting to talk me through this I was downstairs on the couch muffling myself for fear my daughter would hear me and that made my anxiety worse, too. If you have never experienced this you have NO IDEA how freaking bad it can get!! All I could think about was dying in my sleep and leaving my family. It seemed like about 45 minutes to an hour that I finally fell asleep on the phone with him. When I woke up this morning I felt horrible, ashamed, yet rested, but just tired of going through this stuff. I get so tired of it all. This battle is exhausting! My husband helps me so much with his love, nurturing, acceptance of me (the good, the bad, the ugly) and his strong support. He even told me he had the same experience while he was sleeping yesterday (which is ironic). He tries to convince me it’s okay to not be okay at times.  I envy him in that aspect because he is so much stronger than me. He just says that’s why God brought us together. I have areas that help him, too believe it or not. We are like a puzzle and he prayed for me last night as I also was trying to pray for myself. I made it through. I am here and I am typing this. It is a new day and I am going to the gym in a few minutes to relieve any lingering stress. The sun is shining and I am going to try to shine, too. So, as Helen Keller said in some of her quotes, “Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows.” Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.” I am praying for an amazing day of rest for my soul and brain. For my daughter to have an awesome day at school and for my husband (my angel) to be blessed beyond measure for being so awesome. Hopefully someone out there can relate to my experience and not feel alone in their struggles.

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