To my mom…

I never once saw your pain

You never saw mine either

Because the rage of trying to cope with our losses

Were instead aimed at each other with bitter wrath

You buried your mom first and I look at you

In spite of the turmoil between us I cannot fathom

That you would no longer exist here on this earth

But only in my heart

Even though the brokenness of our relationship

Has been left with only the remains of mixed debris

And that is the kind of loss I have of you and small pieces of yourself

That you have left scattered along my life’s path

Then there’s my loss…

As my foundations were shaken to the depths of my soul

By divorce and hostile words with bitter emotions

A home ripped from me at such a young age

The devastation that carried me into those already turbulous teenage years

The impulsive and destructive decisions I made to build the mask I would

Later wear as an adult to hide behind my regrets of ….them

Your loss of a husband that you once suffered a black eye behind his iron fist

And stubborn addiction that clung to him like a fearful child that I only hope

Now doesn’t haunt him like I wished it would before

You buried a son and I buried a brother like a thief in the night his death came

And went

Leaving a neverending grief stricken pit

Numbness busyness escapism brokenness separation despair engulfing endeavors to

nowhere

Why not come closer to cry and to understand to lend a helping hand

To try to relieve something that will always stay

But instead what was left of our family was the fact that we all ran away

I see you now through new eyes no distorted perceptions that you are/were my enemy

But only a god I created in my mind that should have been immune to life’s pains

To help me with mine..

Instead of an equal mere human exisiting, evolving, seeking, hurting, learning…

I wish you now not demands for understanding but healing beyond measure

For everything that you have been strong for…the perseverance that somehow

You managed to grasp.. the refined woman you have become

That maybe I will still never truly know the depths of but now its okay

Because the peace I have come to find along the way

My soul now resilient, resting, understanding, healing, hoping and finally

Loving myself… can love you..regardless

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2 thoughts on “To my mom…

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